My blog taught me to enjoy food. Before I started blogging my diet was very simple, bread, cheese and pasta, yes I basically lived off of this stuff. However, with the introduction of my blog I realized that to keep things interesting my diet would have to be more than three foods with random ingredients thrown in from time to time. By just reading other blogs my palette started to change, and I started becoming very interested in trying out new foods all of the time. Almost every time I went to the grocery store I was picking up something I hadn't ever had before, or something I strongly disliked that I was determined to test it to see if I could make myself like it - and I did every time, thankfully. Blogging made me realize that honestly, you should not dislike any food (I mean, I will not eat liver or anything) but when cooked right every food can taste amazing.
In the months to pass by, as my diet was changing as was my psychological point of view. As I've posted before about my eating disorder in more detail. At first food saved me, in the sense of, dealing with the whole fibromyalgia situation, eating healthier relieved me of my pain, however, learning about food, I became obsessed which then, caused me to fall off the wagon for a while. It was my protector, my savior, then it engulfed me, I became afraid of it, I dreaded it, I didn't want to see it. After a couple of months of seeing food in a deadly way, I learnt again that food is my friend, one of my best friends, and I should never fear something that allows me to live day by day, that gives me fuel to survive. With that mind set, I gave myself a New Years Resolution to work out every day and eat healthy. As of January 8th of last year, the light bulb went off, and since then I've been doing just that. It's not to say I never binge and eat five million chocolate covered raisins, or half a tub of ice cream in a sitting, because I do, I have my weaknesses and I love them so much, but 95% of the time, I maintain a very healthy diet.
In the past (almost year), I've kept my resolution and I learnt to love myself. I realized that with moderation and balance any food can be healthy food. Even your junk food you can make healthy (hello, have you all seen the numerous healthy vegan/and or raw desserts out there?), there are numerous and you don't have to fear desserts.
In the past year I even decided to go vegan, well for about 90% of the time, because I just couldn't give up my ice cream... in the summer I started introducting Greek yoghurt into my diet. Other than that, my diet was vegan. However, I started wanting something more, I wasn't feeling the right satiation as I should. I realized this time and time again, because although I was eating healthy, I could seriously out-eat any of my friends, male or female... and I'm a tiny girl of 114 pounds.
While in Korea I was seriously tempted to try some fish meals (especially because it was so difficult to find meals that didn't contain these foods, it just made it a hassle for both Jordan and myself... however more so for him unfortunately). Since I've come home, I've been going for sushi quite often (since that's what a lot of my friends and I do when we get together), as well, as just seeing people eat fish in front of me really made me realize that when I used to eat fish I used to really feel full, and not the same type of full I get from legumes.
I toyed with the thought of re-introducing fish back into my diet. One of my friends that I hang out with regularly consumes fish quite often, and every time I see his plate of fish I want to jump on his lap and steal the plate and consume it all myself but I don't.
When I was in university, the sign on my bedroom door read "Samantha - change is everything"... Jordan used to mock me all the time, and tell me to take it down because I wasn't able to adapt, I hated change. Being a human being, this is one of the most ridiculous statements ever. I'm a human, my brain is so developed, I know how to change, but I didn't like it. However, at the time I was also depressed and struggled with OCD, now, I no longer experience symptoms of either and I'm very open to the concept of change.
Last week the plate of fish my friend had on his plate was the last straw. I have never been tempted by pork or beef, and I haven't consumed those meats in almost ten or eleven years. Chicken doesn't tempt me either because there are so many amazing products out there that taste, in my opinion, eerily similar in taste and texture to chicken. Fish however, even when consuming "vegan fish" yes, they taste insanely similar, but I still miss the real protein. I also miss not being a pain in the butt. I miss not having to just rely on getting a salad at a restaurant when I go out. I miss the luxury of having non-vegetable sushi.
Last week, I had the motivation I needed to do what I knew I wanted. I'd struggled with the concept for quite a while, as I posted about eating meat while I was in Korea (I'm not interested in eating anything other than fish, nor am I interested in making it a daily occurrence, but I do plan on having it back in my diet... as well as I still will not be consuming butter/eggs/dairy other than Greek yoghurt), with that being said... yesterday was the big day. I wanted some sushi, and I wanted it to taste as I remembered it when I truly loved it, when I could hands down say that sushi is my favourite food. Yesterday my friend and I went for sushi, and I did it. Thankfully it wasn't difficult, as I'd already been preparing myself psychologically for truthfully months, but more specifically a week and a bit.
Truthfully, it wasn't as I remembered, the salmon especially. The salmon had a texture that I just couldn't remember at all, but I got through it. I then tried imitation crab and shrimp. At first I didn't like the salmon/crab so I was like huh... maybe I just wont go through with this, but the shrimp it made my taste buds sing, and I was in my happy place. Afterward however, I was not feeling well. I felt like I was going to die. My stomach ached so much and I had the worst nausea I'd experienced in a long time. Thankfully however I didn't get sick - at all, thank heavens for that.
The lesson here was, I am capable of change. I'd been told time and time again, not only by my ex, but by numerous people that I like stability way too much, it's why I control certain things, especially my diet. Eating those few pieces of sushi with the fish made me realize that I am capable of change, I am capable of moving on, I am capable of growing, and I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Once I am determined, once I set up goals for myself, and think something is important I make it a priority and not just something that needs to be done. Eating fish also proved that, even though I still get criticized for my "skinniness" - I'm no longer ruled by food in a negative way. That if people still question my ED, they are wrong. I knew I was hurting myself and others around me drastically with my ED, and the light bulb went off one day, and with that I needed to change. I wasn't willing to see or speak to specialists about it, it was something I needed to do on my own to truly help myself. I did. The foods I put into my body now are fuel, they aren't these horrible bugs that are going to hurt me or make fat because I eat too much ice cream in one day.
I love myself. I love the shape of my body, especially my legs because of my daily biking. I even love my stomach, even though I am still self-conscious about but I know it's what makes me me. I know I have a lot to offer as a person, and that looks aren't everything. In the past few years, blogging made me love foods, it made me learn about nutrition, it tested my strengths, it tested my psychological state, and it tested just how strong I am as a person.
I needed my blog at a time where I needed an outlet, a hobby, a way to connect with others. It taught me many lessons along the way. But over time, it taught me who I am as a person, and that's when my dependency for blogging stopped. I still love blogging, and will probably do it from time to time, but eating without taking pictures every time I create something in the kitchen is how it should be, art without actually making and setting up the situation for it to be art. I want to thank all of those who supported me, and helped me out along the way. This isn't goodbye, this is just farewell for a bit.
I will see you again,
Not the greatest picture: but it's me trying my first piece of fish in over 9 months.